The Mask We Wear: When Style Becomes a Disguise for Pain
by Aliya Banks | Category: Mental Health, Wellness, Self-Growth | 9 Minute Read
She wore her hair short and platinum blonde. She walked like a tiger in her heels when she went out on the town. Her bright red lipstick announced to the world that she was ready for the taking. She was layered in scents that smelled like a rich girl spending Daddy’s money. She was beautiful—undeniably so.
She was Latina, the new girl I’d been asked to train at work. Energetic and youthful, always made up, while I could hardly be bothered. We were allowed to listen to music at work and bonded over my groovy playlist, and soon, inseparable. There were girls’ nights, laughter, and always a cocktail or two at her lavish home in the old-money part of Louisiana. Her husband, an ex-military man, adored her. Calm and reserved—everything she wasn’t.
One day, she looked at me and said, “You’re a cougar.”
I blinked, half-laughing, unsure if it was a compliment or a revelation. She nodded, satisfied, as if she’d discovered a truth I hadn’t yet seen in myself. She carried a confidence I hadn’t felt in years. I felt powerful in her orbit and much like the cougar she professed me to be. I didn’t need an occasion anymore; gold and green eyeshadow became my norm, even at work.
Cracks in the Glamour
Our friendship deepened. She encouraged me to be a real cougar, date younger men, to get out, to live. Every night out, she met someone new and had no trouble making friends. Dressed to the nines, makeup flawless, and killer heels every time, she was always giving glam energy. We danced at the casino, laughed at happy hours, and took chances.
For me, on one particular night, it was at the slot machines. She didn’t play. I found her quietly sitting beside me, saying she’d sworn off gambling. She confessed it had been a problem in her past.
That was the point I began to admire her strength of character - it was also the first time I saw her vulnerability—the first crack in the mirror of her model life.
Style isn’t the enemy. But when it becomes armor, it stops being expression and starts being protection.
When she came into my life, I was in a season of healing. I was rebuilding after heartbreak, from both friends and lovers, rediscovering my spiritual path, and moving through the fear of actually being a single mother. I am grateful that art was my therapy; meaning was my medicine.
Even in my awakening, I couldn’t ignore what I saw behind her glamorous façade: addiction, infidelity, and emotional pain. She wore her sorrow like silk. Now that I was on the inside, I could see it clung to her, and the shape of her pain was even more apparent.
The Illusion of Perfection
🪞The illusion of perfection is glamorized. It doesn't take much to see the plethora of reality shows like all the wives of this or that state to see that you can be dazzling on the outside and a ravaged, hurtful beast on the inside. It’s more acceptable to have the perfect clothes than to sit by yourself and admit that you need help. Style isn't the enemy; it's when it becomes armor for your issues that deeper challenges can set in.
What True Self-Love Looks Like
Self-love isn’t linear, and it’s never one-size-fits-all. It’s personal. It’s messy. It’s the quiet journey of becoming better than you were before—on your own terms.
Self-love can look like finally saying no so that the inner people-pleaser can breathe. Self-love can also look like saying yes to hanging out with friends after spending all your weekends working on your business. Other times it looks like saying yes to yourself—taking a break, going for a walk, or resting without guilt.
Here are a few ways you can show yourself some real love, without appealing to the masses;
1. Journaling
Most of us numb or outrun our feelings. But sitting with your thoughts, even for ten minutes a day, builds emotional clarity. Writing helps you name what you feel, and in naming it, you take power back.
2. Seeking Therapy
I’m a huge advocate for therapy. It’s not a weakness—it’s a mirror. Therapy helps you see not just your reflection, but your potential. It untangles old narratives, softens rigid beliefs, and opens new paths you didn’t think were possible.
3. Using an App
Technology can be a tool for healing if you use it intentionally.
Apps like Insight Timer offer meditation, affirmations, soothing music, yoga, and journaling. I love its AI question of the day — it’s helped me put my emotions into words and track growth in meaningful ways.
|Use what helps you feel, not just what helps you look like you have it all together.
4. Simple Acts of Care
Self-love doesn’t always come from grand gestures or spending money on the latest self-care gadget.
It’s in the quiet mornings before the world wakes up, a walk in your favorite park, or actually getting a good night’s sleep.
Trust your gut. It already knows what you need. Learning to trust yourself is one of the purest forms of self-love.
5. The Quiet Practice
Self-love isn’t a trend or a hashtag—it’s a daily practice.
It’s not loud or performative. It’s the care you put into how you feel, moment to moment. It’s the steering wheel that guides your life when everything else feels uncertain.
|True self-love doesn’t post itself on social media. It’s quiet, sacred, and unseen.
⌚Looking Back
I haven’t thought about her in years. I wonder how she’s doing now. Life took us in different directions, and I lost touch.
But I still think of what she taught me:
That beauty is worth the effort, but peace, now that’s priceless. That confidence without healing is just performance, and the most radiant glow comes from the inside out.
This I know: True self-love doesn’t seek attention. It’s what happens when no one’s watching.
